Sunday, 7 May 2017
How I'm Learning to Get Angry and Hate the Bomb
I was trying to work out a Dr Strangelove reference in the title, I'm not sure it quite fits but look, I'm all cultured and stuff.
In the wake of the near-miss I encountered (nearly got stabbed over £10 - see previous blog) about three weeks ago, life has been very, very odd.
I got an extenuating circumstances on my dissertation, and I've been desperately trying to have my superman mask on whilst revising for finals, finishing my dissertation, and saying goodbye to a lot of friends, whilst indulging myself in takeaways and lazy weekends because 'I can start again on Monday'.
Anxiety and depression I spent a lot of last year throwing off my back have made an unwelcome re-appearance due to the stress of dealing with the police and the workload of a final year who really would quite like a decent job after university, please thank you.
How have I pulled myself out of that miserable pit?
Oh, and my mum's forever appreciated care packages.
I have raged in the shower about the stupid fucking man who I let really shake me up.
I have raged whilst looking at my ceiling for hours about how I'm just laying there, looking at the ceiling, feeling not very much.
I have raged about the suicidal political scene I am growing up in.
And it's helped.
I guess it's the Christian upbringing; the only Jesus I ever really got on with was the version not often talked about in popular Christian circles today, the one who threw tables and hated injustice. I always felt a little more similarity with that Jesus.
I am increasingly a fan of righteous anger, often I feel I've nodded my head when inside I'm rejected everything someone is saying. And believe me, there's nothing that drives you more than a righteous anger.
My head is still a mess, but I'm picking myself back up again, and going again.
Doubtless I'll trip over my shoelaces soon enough, but the hope is that I'll fail just that bit further along the line next time.
I guess I'm bored of nodding along. I feel like I'll nod along, then eventually nod off, and that's not what I want my legacy to be.
"Joe Stockley - good at nodding" is a crap epitaph.